When I first wrote this story I felt hesitant to publishing it as it’s quite dark and somewhat painful. But now it sat around for a bit and I still want to share. It still feels true to me and wants to be heard. Sending love to anyone who can relate.
I feel like locked into a dark crystal. The walls around me are black but letting through a bit of light, almost like semi-transparent. I’m fixed to my position, everything is fixed and has straight lines and sharp corners. Moving any further is dangerous, any movement could result in a cut. It’s cold and not really light. Even the crystal is nerved with a grid, as if I would need even more boundaries. I don’t hear anything. I could be alone or surrended by people. I don’t know. Trying to look through the crystal betrays nothing. I am lost and frozen in my current state, don’t know since when. I can’t really tell. There is no real way to measure time. And honestly I don’t care. I feel exhausted and caged and uncomfortable but fleeing is not an option. Even trying to change the position is not an option. Holding still is the only way to prevent further pain. Who put me here? Who came up with this? It sucks.
…
Slowly I start realizing the tears that roll down my cheeks. I must have started crying, one of the only ways that can still betray the way I’m feeling. The tears glow softly, in a light blue and bring some light into the crystal. As more of them roll they begin to erode the crystals sharp corners. Some become rounded and shuffed off. They start forming a soft glowing puddle at my feet, also eroding and disolving the crystal there. The crying gets more intense and I start shaking. I do get a few scratches here and there from the movement but the tears eroded most corners by now. It’s such a relief. I finally feel a bit more air, a bit more room to breathe and to be. It’s a release. I release the darkness, the pain, the limits others set me, the hurt, the wounds that have not been healing for a long time. So much that could never be expressed, that always had to stay hidden.
The crystal starts to get thinner from all the tears and also take more of a blueish color. But then a thought suddenly crosses my mind, what if this crystal is actually here for a reason? What if it’s made to protect myself? What if the danger outside is real? This immediately causes the crystal to reverse its change. The color stays blueish but the walls get thicker and more limiting again. Wait what is going on here? Is this really better? No, I don’t want this. But the walls don’t change again. They are strong, feeling more inclined to stay the way they were long time than to change again. Damn it. This is not really what I wanted or is it? I don’t know. My mind is not decided. One part thinks one way, the other’s convinced of the other way. Did people actually lock me in here or did I lock myself? It’s hard to tell. It almost seems to be both. I can control it, so it’s not all from others, and yet it seems cruel to myself to creating this prison and add all these pain points. And yet that seems like truth. Is it though?